A Spring Time Poem

Spring has sprung.
Summer's almost here.
The kids are squirrelly as hell--
won't someone please get me a beer?

DONE!

Finally...the bane of my existence for the last several months...Completed, packed and mailed. I can't remember the last time I was so happy to ship something!! That little blue box contains my National Boards Portfolio; it's part of the process to become a National Board Certified teacher. It's taken up waaaaay too much time and the reason I've had almost no life (and the reason I haven't been bogging much!).

Here's Laura at FedEx, shipping her portfolio... And I am just as happy to see mine go, too! Next up, the comprehensive exam in May....followed by waiting until November to hear the results...no worries, dear readers, I'm sure you'll hear the news when I do! :)

Making a Point

Most of you know that my world has been work, gym, boards and repeat. For the certification process, I need to video tape a few lessons in my classroom. I did a project requiring my 5th graders to compare works of art and explain why they are similar and then present this to their classmates. The children understood why I was taping and were excited and proud to be the examples for me to submit.

A pair of boys walked up to the front of the classroom to give their presentation. One of the boys whips out a broken off radio antenna, opens it up and begins to use it as a pointer! I asked the student "Did you just happen to have that in your pocket?"

He responded with the tone of DUH, "No. He did." and gesturing to his partner. He continued using the pointer through out his presentation using the broken antenna to point out how the art works were similar. I was dying!! It was so hilarious!

And the best part...it's all on video.

Sticky Situation

Today, I have my 8th graders, who are making African Masks. It's a fun paper mache project. I usually make the paper mache at home because it's cheaper to use flour and water and make it on the stove than to buy the paste. I had a big plastic container filled with warm paper mache sitting on the passenger seat as I drove to work.

When I got to work, I reached for the paper mache and got a handful of warm stickiness. The lid had popped off of the container and gotten all over my leather seats. I was thinking it wasn't that bad...I could just wipe it up. I went in the school to get some paper towels so that I could clean it.

As I was wiping up the spill, I picked up the container...what originally looked like a few ounces turned out to be almost half the container. My binder for my boards, that the paper mache was sitting upon is completely stuck together. Awesome. I wonder if I can send it in and get credit for it as an art project?

Then I slid the seat forward. Thank God for floor mats because there was a layer of of paper mache under the seats several inches thick. I dumped it off in the parking lot, leaving what looked like a pile of puke. After I scrubbed the remaining puddles, I carried in the floor mat (also looking like a vomitious mess). Glen, our engineer, used the water shower for cleaning and sprayed it down for me.

I think I got most of the mess...at least I hope I did. I really don't want to head out to the car later and have it smell like rancid paper mache. I currently am working on drying my binder for the boards, and cleaning the paper mache from my shoes, clothes and hair. Ugh! What a fantastic way to start the day. :(

Does anyone know of a place that does a good job of cleaning car upholstery?

There's such a thing as too much sugar.

Today seemed to be a crazy day. The students are heading into a five day weekend (due to Lincoln's Birthday, Professional Development day and President's Day) and to add to it they were extra squirrelly due to the excess sugar of all of their Valentines.

For example, one of my 4th graders seemed to have escaped from his substitute teacher. I was standing in front of the classroom teaching the rest of his class. I glanced over to see the student through the window. He was standing there with a pencil shoved up his nose, licking the window.

This is why I am a proponent of the aerial spraying of Ritalin. Thank God we have a long weekend.

Frickin' Hilarious

I gave a homework assignment to my fourth graders to bring in either a picture or a sketch of their favorite animal. One student was showing students his picture, saying rather loudly "It's a frickin' elephant!!"

I called him up to my desk to check his paper and he repeats "Miss B, look! It's a frickin' elephant!!" Now if you know my students, they're really not afraid to cuss in any situation, so it's highly abnormal for them to say "frickin'" instead of just dropping an f-bomb.

So, I look at his paper, and it takes every ounce within me not to laugh at this poor child. I look at him and say, "Um, sweetie. This says 'A FRICAN Elephant'."

It makes me wonder what they'd call an asian elephant.

From the mouths of babes...

My 6th graders are studying pre-historic art. When asked to describe "Prehistoric Art" one girl wrote:

"Prehistoric art is old art. Such as cavemen art or 1997 art."

I was 18 in 1997--does that make me a cavewoman? :)

Grossness!

I'm not the sort to enjoy things involving blood and guts. I won't even watch horror movies. So it amazes me that I know so many people in the medical profession. It's even more mind boggling that these very same people want to tell me their gross work stories, even though they know that the mere thought of an IV makes me gag.

It's also funny that what I consider gross for my job compared to gross for someone elses job. For example:

Gross at my job: Kid sticks red crayon up his nose.
Gross at Barb's Job: Festering, puss filled boil on ass that spurts four feet.

Gross at my job: Kid picking his nose. Not only that, he was stringing the booger out and touching it to different places on his face.
Gross at Amy's job: Finding hanging victim swinging from a tree in their back yard.

Gross at my job: Kid eats paint, paste and assorted other supplies used in that day's project.
Gross at Ken's job: Woman attacked with acid causing her body to disintegrate and turn green.

Gross at my job: Cockroaches infesting a trumpet case and running all over the band room. (OK, so it happened to Sarah, but it was still at my place of employment!!)
Gross at Melissa's job: Various medications improperly given, killing off surrounding tissue and a as a result being able to see the the person's bones.

Yuck, yuck, yuck!!

As Seen on a Test

This summer, I'm teaching United States History at the High School level. As part of the curriculum, I'm required to give a Constitution Test.

Just so you know-- (as seen on the test):

• The first ten amendments to the Constitution are called "The Ten Commandments". (Thou shalt have the rights to ...?!)
• The Judicial Branch enforces the laws, the Legislative Branch makes the laws and the Executive Branch breaks the laws. (Ok, so I guess they weren't that far off...)
• Also, should George W. Bush no longer be able to serve as President of the United States, he will be succeeded by the Vice President. Who happens to be George Washington. If George Washington cannot serve (and let's face it, he probably isn't able), I'm next in line for the Presidency. (Hail to the Chief!)

Now you know. (I swear, sometimes, I think I'm talking to myself!)

Things I’ve learned as an art teacher:

• I can make a hair tie out of any writing/painting implement, string or a glue stick and a rubber band.
• Sometimes, a kid just needs a hug.
• No matter how careful you are, if you get out the glitter it will be EVERYWHERE.
• If they suddenly get really quiet, even if you didn’t see it, someone did something really stupid.
• Always have a complete change of clothes on hand...down to your shoes.
• A fourth grader can fit 5 brand new crayons in their nostrils.
• Kids will eat clay. And they will be surprised that it tastes like dirt.
• If you give them paint, students will look like Aboriginal Warriors before they leave the room.
• Black pants are the biggest blessing ever!
• That white goo on the table…not necessarily glue. (Yeah, that’s nasty--to clarify, it was a giant lugie--, and yes it happened today.)

Nice Tales

Just when I thought they were all little bastards...

One of the girls in 6th grade brings me a rose this morning and says "Happy Mother's Day, Ms. B!"


Ok, they're not all little bastards... :)

Little Bastards

One of the little bastards in my last period class stole my cell phone out of my desk drawer. I'm so frustrated with the amount of stuff that's been stolen from my classroom. (UGH!! Those little fuckers!!)

I have no phone numbers...so if you want to talk to me, either call or email me your info. (My phone number is out of service until I get a new phone.)

Sad Tales

This kid was a student at my school. He transfered out (to the other school down the block).

It just seems that in this day and age, we should be able to prevent stuff like this.

Tales...A Guest Post

I’m very excited to present my very first guest post on my blog. I’m making it clear that this is a GUEST POST because I am very NOT PREGNAT (just making sure that’s clear). This is just too hilarious not to post! This happened to Meghan at work. She’s an OT and works with children in a suburban school district. Here’s a dialog that she had with one of her children.


I really need to share this conversation I had with a 7 year-old boy at work today. By far the strangest comment I've gotten from a kid. -Meghan

Boy: Are you getting a baby in there?

Meghan: Yep. I'm getting a baby.

Boy: Has your big egg cracked yet?(Boy pokes Meghan warily in the stomach)

Meghan: Huh?

Boy: You know, the big egg...where the baby is. I don't think yours is cracked yet. You should be careful though because I heard of a girl who had to go to the bathroom and then her big egg cracked and all her babies fell out into the toilet. They just fell right in the water. Gross.

Tales III

So… I have lunchroom duty. I was making sure that the kids were in the lunch line and not horsing around too much. I was motioning with my arms for the kids to get in line and one of the students licked my bare arm!!

WHAT THE HELL?!?!

I asked him, “Did you just LICK my arm?!”

All he did was look at me, walk over, take my arm in his hand and wipe the slobber with the sleeve of his shirt.

And kids think teachers are weird?

Parents amaze me...

Report Card pick up for the first quarter was yesterday. Why is it that parents barging into my classroom to scream at me for giving their child a low grade in Art? Luckily, I can always justify my grades.

Here’s how things went:

Parent: “How can my child be failing art? It’s easy, it’s not like it’s as important as Math or Reading”

My Internal Monologue: “Thanks for saying in front of your child that the subject matter that I received a masters degree in, is not important.—cuz’ that will encourage them to do better! Not to mention it insults the person giving your child that grade”

Actual comment: “Well, let’s ask your child what they’ve been doing in my class.”

Student: “Nothing.”

Internal Monologue: “No shit captain obvious.”

Actual Comment: If the student doesn’t turn in work I have nothing to grade. I have to give him a zero. That means they get an F. If you turn all your work in, you should get at least a D. If you try you can probably get a C or a B.

Parent: “How can you be doing nothing?! Are the projects to hard?”

Internal Monologue: “We’re painting. It’s not brain surgery. You put the brush in the paint and the paint on the paper!!”

Actual Comment: We’ve been painting. I give out one color of paint to use each week. If the child only has one color on their paper, that means they didn’t do anything the other days.” (Sneaky, but it’s an easy way to CYA!)

Parent: (Changing their tune) “Oh, well then we need to work harder, don’t we.”

Parent exits dragging their child out of the room.

**Sigh** Only 3 quarters to go.

Tales from the my school...#2

Gosh, I feel bad for our new band teacher. Yet another true story from my school, and yes, it’s got it's roots in the band department.

A student’s regular classroom teacher noticed him using an awful lot of chapstick. I mean according to his teacher, this boy was smacking his lips, slathering it on, puckering-up—the whole nine yards. Another student also noticed and exclaimed that what the boy was doing was disgusting (he knew what the tube really was).

It seems that this student came across a tube of cork grease left in his instrament case. I personally didn’t know what cork grease was, but as I was told name says it all. It’s definitely grease. It comes in a tube similar to chapstick and is used to keep the cork joints supple on many wind instruments.

When the teacher figured it out, she promptly asked for the tube back to return to the band teacher.

ICK!! That’s straight up grease! My lips have never been that chapped! Not only is that stuff not for ingestion, but imagine the factor that the child just found a random tube of chapstick and was using it. EW!

The band teacher is getting much less grossed out by things after the roach incident. Her response?

“Well, it’s probably not that toxic.”

Creepy Crawlies

I have a story to share and it’s the aural equivalent of a train wreck. You know what I mean, it’s so gross, you can’t help but share it. I will say I’m quite thankful it didn’t happen to me.

As many of you know, I teach in an inner city school. Many of my students don’t have the same advantages that other students have. But I am not stating any names, nor am I mentioning the name of my school. I did not see any of this happen, I only heard from a reliable source.

With that disclaimer, on with the story…

This morning, there was an odd call for the head engineer to report to room 105. Usually he’s called to the office, not a specific classroom. I realized it was the band room, but figured a student may have gotten a mouth piece or something stuck on their instrument. Not long after, I received a distressed IM from the band teacher. She told me the whole story…

Students are allowed to check out instruments from the school to take home and practice, they must be returned the following morning. The teacher was working with a sectional of students and when one student returned a trumpet, the teacher told her to set it down in her classroom and she would put it away for her. Not long after the student had left, the students who were in the room practicing noticed something odd about the trumpet case. They notified the teacher and the band teacher went over to investigate.

Upon a closer look, the band teacher discovered a roach was crawling out of the case. As gross is that is, she simply wanted to squish it, but it gets worse. When the band teacher opened the case about a hundred roaches ran out of it.

I WOULD HAVE DIED!!!

Can you imagine? Opening a trumpet case and having roaches scatter from it?!? Several cans of Raid later, the band teacher decided that the student may no longer check out instruments. The engineer was called for the Raid. He threw out the case and said it was the worst infestation he had ever seen.

ICK!!! (I still get the heebie-jeebies just thinking of it!)

No good can come from having to spray Raid in a trumpet and then blow in it. Can you imagine having to pick out dead roaches from the valves of a trumpet?!?!

So, when you have a bad day at work…just remember: It could be a lot worse.