Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Tales III

So… I have lunchroom duty. I was making sure that the kids were in the lunch line and not horsing around too much. I was motioning with my arms for the kids to get in line and one of the students licked my bare arm!!

WHAT THE HELL?!?!

I asked him, “Did you just LICK my arm?!”

All he did was look at me, walk over, take my arm in his hand and wipe the slobber with the sleeve of his shirt.

And kids think teachers are weird?

Friday, November 18, 2005

Man-Scaping

Yesterday I gave my friend Nick a manicure. His hands were pretty bad. I literally had to take a pumice to them. He has a date with this girl on Saturday, so this was much needed considering he works on elevators.

I was thinking, this could be a really business for me. Think about it. If women go to get a manicure or pedicure, they expect a spa environment. A man is not all about the same experience; they’d want something different. Here’s my proposal.

I could open a man spa. Instead of the relaxing music, I could have TV’s with ESPN, hunting shows, tool shows and cars playing on them. I could replace the water and juice with beer and peanuts.

I could over “man-scaping” services in a non-froofy environment. I think it would be a success. It would be a step up from the barbershop. Men could get all the things that they think they need (or that their wives or girlfriends think they need) in a non-intimidating place.

I just need to figure out a manly alternative name for a manicure…

Hand Resurfacing?
Hand Detailing?
Any Suggestions?
Any sponsors for my new business venture?

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Parents amaze me...

Report Card pick up for the first quarter was yesterday. Why is it that parents barging into my classroom to scream at me for giving their child a low grade in Art? Luckily, I can always justify my grades.

Here’s how things went:

Parent: “How can my child be failing art? It’s easy, it’s not like it’s as important as Math or Reading”

My Internal Monologue: “Thanks for saying in front of your child that the subject matter that I received a masters degree in, is not important.—cuz’ that will encourage them to do better! Not to mention it insults the person giving your child that grade”

Actual comment: “Well, let’s ask your child what they’ve been doing in my class.”

Student: “Nothing.”

Internal Monologue: “No shit captain obvious.”

Actual Comment: If the student doesn’t turn in work I have nothing to grade. I have to give him a zero. That means they get an F. If you turn all your work in, you should get at least a D. If you try you can probably get a C or a B.

Parent: “How can you be doing nothing?! Are the projects to hard?”

Internal Monologue: “We’re painting. It’s not brain surgery. You put the brush in the paint and the paint on the paper!!”

Actual Comment: We’ve been painting. I give out one color of paint to use each week. If the child only has one color on their paper, that means they didn’t do anything the other days.” (Sneaky, but it’s an easy way to CYA!)

Parent: (Changing their tune) “Oh, well then we need to work harder, don’t we.”

Parent exits dragging their child out of the room.

**Sigh** Only 3 quarters to go.

Saturday, November 5, 2005

Does Caffeine Make You Smarter?

This morning, I headed downtown to the Art Institute for a workshop on bookmaking. After acquiring a much needed caffeine fix, I noticed that my coffee cup had a saying on it. Specifically, “The Way I See It” No. 54, from Civil Rights Leader Morris Dees: “We are all brothers and sisters. Each face in the rainbow of colors that populate our world is precious and special. Each ads to the rich treasure of humanity.”

Starbucks is now running this campaign on all their coffee cups, and according to there web site wants to “get people talking”. www.starbucks.com/wayiseeit.

This is a wonderful saying. The concept is all very well and good. But it’s not practical. First of all, at 8:00 on a Saturday morning, even the people working at Starbucks are a little cranky, and they get their caffeine for free. Second of all, it takes effort to read the cup because of the cardboard sleeve thingy covers it (you know the thing that keeps you from burning your hand when you hold the hot cup). That early in the morning, it was too much effort to figure out what profoundness my coffee was trying to convey.

Some marketing guy deserves a kick in the ass for putting the saying on the cup rather than on the sleeve.

Stupid Starbucks.

But they did win in some small way. I’m taking about it. And I’m wondering what I would want quoted from me on a coffee cup…

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens...

This past Saturday, while working on the roof, Chris noticed some kittens playing in the back yard. The problem? No momma cat. Sooo…I spent Saturday night and Sunday pretending to be a momma cat. We even named them. From left to right--in the top corner of the pic in the "Randomness" Entry (I can't figure out how to fix the problem), Harp, Q-Tip, Guinness and Peanut. (can you tell which two I named and which two Chris named?)

What did I learn from this experience?

1. Kittens are TINY! Seriously, Peanut only took up half of my hand.

2. Kittens need to eat every four hours. They don’t like to sleep through the night with out tiny high pitched meows. They’re only cute during normal hours.

3. Seamus does not like other cats in his house. When I tried to “introduce” them, the fur was flying. Seamus was hissing and yowling.

4. Kitten milk smells nasty. Just trust me on this one. (My Bears sweatshirt will never be the same.)

5. The vet informed me that kittens do not know to go to the bathroom on their own. You (or the mother cat) must stimulate their bits and pieces to go. I did NOT use my tongue like a mother cat, rather a paper towel. And if the kitten has to go badly enough, they’ll figure it out. How do I know this? On the way to drop the kittens off at the “foster home”, Harp started standing on two legs so that he could poop in Theresa’s new car. Fortunately, Theresa is prepared and had wet naps or her upholstery would never be the same.

Hopefully, the kittens will find good homes…

Randomness...

What the heck is this? I was trying to post the picture of kittens for a different blog entry and I get this random pic...


Does anyone have an explination for it? I don't even recognize the people in the pic!