Awake

It's three-thirty in the morning. I'm a up because I was woken by a snoring bed mate.

That's right, Seamus, MY CAT was snoring and woke me up.

You've got to be kidding me.

(He was smaking his lips and meowing too...I hope what ever he was dreaming about was good--because it totally woke my ass up!)

The Day After

So everything this morning went as well as could be expected. I hate IVs and the butt-baring hospitals gowns. But I guess I can take some pleasure in knowing that at some point I probably mooned my doctor in the process. I even have lovely pictures and a note for a return to work on Wednesday (but let's face it, I'll probably go back tomorrow anyway).

On a side note, I have a new addition for the Frog Chronicles. As the nurse was giving me the sedatives, some guy in scrubs asked me if I was single and if he could get my phone number. Are you kidding me? That's the time I want some guy to chat me up...while I'm laying on a gurney in a hospital gown that lets my ass hang out. Are you serious?!?! I'm quite certain my "Fuck off" face isn't quite as effective while under the influence of intravenous drugs. Isn't it in the Hippocratic oath somewhere--"Don't hit on patients."? UGH!!

Barely had the calories to post...

I have a “procedure” at the hospital tomorrow. I really don’t want to get in to the specifics about it, but suffice it to say I’m not happy about it. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna die or anything (well, someday, but not because of this), I’m just bitching about the prep right now.

First of all, this sucks because I can’t eat all day today. No solid food. So I’m watching the Bears game and eating low sodium chicken broth. No brats, no beer, no nachos or some other fun game type food—CHICKEN BROTH and WATER.

Later today I have to take this medicine that’s sole purpose is to make me ill. We can put a man on the frickin’ moon and I have to drink a gallon of this shit. There’s no simple pill option. I’d take a couple of pills and drink a gallon of water if I they’d let me—medical science is seriously lagging in this arena. It tastes like open infected ass. I’m not kidding about it’s badness—even the pharmacist gave me the look “Ooooo—I feel sorry for you.” But don’t worry folks…as the doctor and pharmacist pointed out; there are “flavor” packets that I can add to the solution. Yeah, I’m sure a little pineapple tablet is the answer. Maybe I can add some rum and a little umbrella too!! To add insult to injury, I have to drink it, but it’s not even covered by my insurance—what the crap!

So today, (and appreciate the irony) I’m tired yet wide awake, hungry yet feeling sick, and crabby (there’s no pair for this—I’m just crabby).

Gym Annoyaces

Went to the gym pretty late today. It was irritating.

Things that piss me off at the gym:

1. It turns into a meat market between the hours of 7 and 10 pm.

2. People who talk on their cell phones loudly on the machines. (I don't really care how "like, how totally wasted" you were or how "completely ass ugly" the guy you woke up next to was. If I wanted that info, I'd watch Jerry Springer.)

3. People who don't understand my "Fuck off" face. I'm at the gym. I'm there for one reason--to work out. Not to hit on people or get picked up. Unless you have legitimate question, do not talk to me. Learn the "Fuck off" face, and follow it!

4. People who are on machines on either side of you who hold conversations through you as if you're not there. (Seriously, either ask her out, or tell him he's not getting any--I don't care the outcome and I also don't want to be the literal center of the conversation!)

5. People who stare at my ass while I'm working out. (Yes, I have one--no it doesn't like to be ogled...get a magazine!!!--thank goodness for my super-industrial Oprah sports bra!)

6. Women who prance around the locker room either naked or in thongs. (Call me a prude, but why do you need to blow dry your hair at the sinks naked? And, do you really need to actually bend over for that extra volume while you're naked? Or sit on the counter to talk on your cell phone? You're not at home!!)

7. People who wear too much perfume/cologne. It's a gym, you're there to sweat. You're not fooling anyone.

8. People who sweat on the machines and don't wipe them down. I know you're there to sweat--I get that, but get a paper towel and wipe down your machine!! ICK!

9. Prissy mascara happy make-up queens and scary 'roid freaks. Ok, so this one isn't unique to the gym. But I still don't like 'em!!

10. People who drop weights or grunt like mad when they lift. Being a drama queen will not increase your maximum lifting ability. I understand that this is bound to happen, but when your workout starts to resemble the sound track of porn, you may want to think about cutting back a few pounds--just a couple. It won't hurt ya, I promise.

I really don't think I'm being excessively crabby about this (except for maybe number 9). I really think these things should fall under the category of 'common courtesy'. Come on, people!!

I knew it!!

Barb---You were right, I do have some sort of beacon!!

You Are a Jerk Magnet

In fact, it's quite possible you've never dated a nice, normal guy. You can't seem to tell if a guy's a jerk or not... until it's too late!

Are You a Jerk Magnet?

Chuck Norris will make it all better...

Today had one of those afternoons where I felt as if I was speaking to my students in Japanese or something. Seriously. It was like trying to herd a bunch of drunk cats. (Even Seamus comes when he's called--it was that bad).

Anywho, Chuck Norris Jokes always makes me feel better. If you had one of those days too, then enjoy! If you don't like Chuck Norris jokes, then don't admit that out loud--Chuck Norris will find you.

• Some piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
• Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
• Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
• Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
• Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
• Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
• Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
• Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
• Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
• Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in the Periodic Table of the Elements. The only element Chuck Norris believes in is the element of surprise.
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. Chuck Norris waits.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
• Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
• If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
• Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
• A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why Chuck Norris will simply stare at you, grimly.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
• Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
• Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
• If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and shits them out transformed into a robot.
• Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
• Chuck Norris does not wear a condom, because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
• When the boogieman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
• Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
• Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

If I've missed your favorite, maybe I'll get it next time (or you can post it in the comments section, if you really need to see it posted. If you're Chuck Norris and I missed your favorite, I'm sorry. Please don't roundhouse kick me in the face.

Barb deals with Trauma

Barb was over the other night, passing through before she flew back home to Salt Lake City. We had a full evening of dinner and trivia and I was getting ready for bed. I had slid my robe on and felt something on by breast...almost as if something was lightly sliding it's way around from the top to the bottom. I opened my robe and a shrieked!!! (I'm certain I screamed like a girl--but I am one...)

The biggest fucking spider I've ever seen, outside of a zoo, was hanging from my breast!!!!

Somehow the spider ended up on the floor...I threw the spidery robe on the ground grabbed my Bears robe to cover up and jumped on my bed screaming. Thank God Barb deals with trauma!!! She came in to the room and squished the damn thing. It was so gross. It seriously was the size of a half dollar. ICK!!! I was so skived out, I immediately took a shower.

Barb---you truly are my hero.

I have no idea what I'm going to do now that she's a time zone away (It makes me itchy just typing this post!). I need to start taking applicants for the position of "Spider Squisher".

A Race & The Battle of the Titans

I had a wonderfully busy Sunday! While I was not a participant in the mess that was the Chicago Marathon, I did run a leg in the Lakefront Marathon in Milwaukee...we had an all chick team called Hell in Heels. I made our very awesome team shirts! Here are the girls...


The first leg was run by Michelle, I ran the second followed by Nichole and Barb was our anchor. Aside from Michelle, who apparently loves the heat and humidity, we did't run very well. Our time was 4:16 with a 9:47 split. It really was brutally ugly to run. I really wasn't feeling well, and it turned out nether was anyone else. Then sadly, when we walked back to the car, we found this...
Someone actually broke into Michelles truck and stole Nichole's purse! How awful!! And the car was parked infront of a major street! UGH!! Some people just suck. And furthermore, the Milwaukee system for filing a report was awful. I was on hold with 911 for 20 minutes. What if that was a life threatening emergency?!?! And the guy on the phone was useless. How can you outsource an emegency system?

Anywho, after a much needed shower and a quick bite to eat, Barb and I continued the road trip up to Green Bay, Wisconsin. Behold, the frozen tundra (that was actually quite the opposite of frozen).

So much excitement!! Look! Barb and I found Beer!!!

For the record they have ENORMOUS brats that are longer than the bun and ever so yummy. Better than that was fried cheese curds which were little golden pieces of crack. AMAZING. I have to say, Packers know how to eat! It even beats the garlic cheese fries that are in Cleveland.

Here are my boys warming up!! GO BEARS!!

Did you see us on TV? Our sign rocks!! (Yes, that is glitter that you see) Even the Packer fans loved it!
Look! I made friends with the 5 other Bears fans in our section. (We've got to stick together you know). The other two Bears fans were being assholes...I didn't want to play with them.
The first half was dominated by the Pack, but as you know there are two halfs, and the Bears were hungry and took advantage of Green Bay's mistakes...but you saw the game. I was freaking out at the two minute warning when Farve was marching down the field (everyone knows how dangerous that can be!). However, thanks to some double coverage, Farve didn't make it and Behold: The most beautiful scoreboard ever!!

Check it out!! BEARS BEAT GREEN BAY IN LAMBEAU FIELD!!!! (Almost brings a tear to a Bears fan's eye) It was almost too much happiness for one little Bears fan to take (I said almost).