An Open Letter to Riders of the CTA

Hello, readers! I have found in my travels this week several issues to which I'd like to address:

First of all, a show of respect for ones elders. I stood up to give my seat to a woman on the crowded el this afternoon. As I was offering my seat, some punk ass kid took the seat. Not that I'm ancient, but I was older than this kid!! And the woman to which I was relinquishing the seat couldn't have been that old (maybe 40's or 50's) but out of respect, I offered my seat. That seat should not have gone to some teenager. What the crap?! The elderly, injured and pregnant woman should, in fact have priority!!

Second, I would like to remind you that it is AUGUST. Therefore, activating the heat lamps is neither necessary nor amusing. On a side note to the CTA, how the hell is it that those things don't work in December, yet can blaze away in this humidity?!

Moving along; please bathe. Preferably in clean water and not in perfume or cologne.

Also, it's just fine if you're unfamiliar with public transportation. It's not ok, for you to wander aimlessly and block the flow of people. If you're not certain which direction to go, then ask for help (CTA employee/police officer/friendly looking yuppie). But don't stand at the top of the stairs/escalator/doorway/blocking the entire platform with a puzzled look on your face. Just because you haven't a clue doesn't mean you should make the rest of us late. I have no problems giving you directions, but please, get the hell out of my way. On the same token, please don't take up an entire stair on the escalator and make out. There are people trying to walk up the stairs, and you're blocking the way. Make out in an unobtrusive place (ie GET A ROOM!)

Before I go on, I want to make it clear I fully support ones right to free speech. However, I don't want to hear your discussion of anal sex with your significant other. I also don't care who's screwing whom (unless I actually know these people), the virtues of polygamy (yes, they were moving to Utah), or the finer details of your child vomiting on your dog (and the dog eating it). I believe that it's possible to have these conversations at a reasonable volume as not to include an entire el car.

Next, no, I do not want to join your creepy culty religion. Nor do I want any sort of reading material that will try to entice me to join your creepy culty religion. Please don't offer me any Kool-aid either (I know better than to take food or drink from strangers, thank-you-very-much). You have the right to your religious beliefs, I have the right to mine. It's ok if they're not the same, I promise.

Finally, please remember that you are in public. Therefore, I do understand that bodily functions are natural and normal, I would prefer a discretion in their emission. I do not need to hear you continually hack up lugies and spit them at the third rail. If you're above the age of 12, it's not cool to be able to belch the alphabet. And if that burrito is becoming musical, please be discrete and keep your ass away from my delicate nasal passages. P.S. Shitting your pants (literally) and then choosing a seat is not ok!! Bacon strips in your underwear is gross enough, please don't leave them on the bus too!

Thank you for your time.