Chuck Norris will make it all better...

Today had one of those afternoons where I felt as if I was speaking to my students in Japanese or something. Seriously. It was like trying to herd a bunch of drunk cats. (Even Seamus comes when he's called--it was that bad).

Anywho, Chuck Norris Jokes always makes me feel better. If you had one of those days too, then enjoy! If you don't like Chuck Norris jokes, then don't admit that out loud--Chuck Norris will find you.

• Some piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
• Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
• Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
• Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
• Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
• Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
• Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
• Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
• Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
• Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in the Periodic Table of the Elements. The only element Chuck Norris believes in is the element of surprise.
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. Chuck Norris waits.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
• Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
• If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
• Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
• A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why Chuck Norris will simply stare at you, grimly.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
• Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
• Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
• If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and shits them out transformed into a robot.
• Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
• Chuck Norris does not wear a condom, because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
• When the boogieman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
• Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
• Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

If I've missed your favorite, maybe I'll get it next time (or you can post it in the comments section, if you really need to see it posted. If you're Chuck Norris and I missed your favorite, I'm sorry. Please don't roundhouse kick me in the face.