An Open Letter to All Froggies:

Hello, Froggies. Let’s chat about trying to kiss a chickie. There are several things to conceder before you try to get your mack on.

First and most important, ask yourself “Does this woman want me to kiss her?” Most women will give you signs including but not limited to flirting, hair tossing, application of lip gloss or just telling you. Don’t do the ‘lean in’ on less you are sure.

Second; location, location, location. Whether we admit it or not, the majority of women are romantic at heart. If you haven’t previously kissed this woman, wouldn’t you want the first kiss to be memorable? Surveys have shown a bad first kiss can be a deal breaker. Therefore, it would not be a good idea to make an attempt in a parking lot, near a dumpster (or trash of any kind—do I look like Oscar the Grouch?) or on a personal note, while I’m watching sports. (You all know, my own mother doesn’t even call me when there’s a Bears game on!)

I would also like to say that persistence does not, in fact, pay off. If a woman isn’t interested, then she’s just not interested. If you try the ‘lean in’ and she doesn’t reciprocate, then do not try a third time. It just makes you seem even creepier. On the same note, if you try, get the head turn and plant one on her cheek, the same applies.

Finally, check yourself. Do you have anything stuck in your Froggie teeth? Do you smell like man or frog? Is your fly down? Are you a douchebag/Froggie? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, just don’t do it…and please, stay away from me!

Thanks! <3 Bethie

The Froggies Know...

Well, much to the delight of many a faithful reader it turns out I'm pretty much single again. It's a long and sad story I don't feel any need to get into at the moment. (But I'm sure I'll get to that ornery place where I'll feel the need to blog about it!) And so it seems, that the Froggies can sense my singleness and are back on my tail. In fact, were it not for the necessary submission of my boards (due in less than a week), I may have posted sooner.

So, without further ado, a quickie story for your pleasure (and my personal disgust):

I was at Walgreen's picking up a few items. Nothing major, just things that were on sale and for which I had coupons. (I know, bitchin' Friday night. I also have to point out that this was the third frog of the evening!) I was in the "girl product" isle trying to figure out if the sale with coupon was a better deal than the generic option when I notice this guy pass me not once, but three times. True there are other things in this isle but he was not pausing, rather circling. By the time I realized I was his prey it was too late. He came up to me and said "So, uh, you-um-uh, come here often?"

I just stared at him.

Really? Did you just ask that? What sort of response are you looking for? To the tampon isle? Yeah, about once a month.

Fortunately, (and at the risk of giving my wonderful readers too much information) no, Aunt Flo is not in town. So, I just grabbed what I needed and walked away. But I have to wonder, in the event I really were on the rag, would I have chewed this dude a new one? Did he really think that approaching a potentially pms-ing woman with that sort of line, in that location, was the best idea in the world?

Here's a tip, Froggies: If you're gonna hit on a woman who has the slightest chance of being hormonal wait until she's looking for chocolate or ice cream. And please, have a much better line.

Long Lost Froggies

Hello Readers! I have some bad news and good news.

The good news is that I've started dating someone (Yeah for me!). The bad news is that we'll be loosing the Frog Chronicles (unless the boy does something stupid!). I do have some back posting to do, so there will be a few more entries. I also welcome the option for guest posts (come on ladies, share your pain!). But for the most part, there will be drastically diminished froggie posts.

Fortunately for you, I did have a froggie issue today.

I got home from work and was just checking my email when I got a text that read "New Years at my place hope you can make it."

I did not recognize the number at all. I sent a response explaining that phone had been damaged in last weekend's marathon and I lost a bunch of numbers and inquiring who sent this text. (Yes, my phone was damaged, but I don't think I lost any numbers.)

Moments later, I received a return text with a name.

It took a few minutes for me to place it. I had been talking to this guy back in June. That's right JUNE--six months ago. This froggie got my digits, exchanged a few texts and then disappeared. And now he's texting me to go out with him on New Years Eve? WTF?!

I don't even know where this guy lives. Even if I did and wasn't dating someone, why on earth would I think it's a good idea to go to some random dudes house after he disappeared for half the year for a holiday that revolves around drinking? I certainly have no desire to have the roofie special, thank-you-very-much!

Second, why on earth would a guy want to go out with a girl who didn't even remember them until prompted? (And even then, it took me a few minutes to figure it out!)

I have to admit there's a tiny part of me that wants to stir the pot, but I decided not to. I can't decide if this guy is ballsy or just plain stupid. You've really gotta wonder what these frogs are thinking!

More Froggy Gifts

I always look at dates with mild apprehension but in the back of my head, there's always hope. Hope that that day's frog will actually be a prince. Was this the case today? Not so much.

Today's frog, Ozzie* picked me up for our date. While he scored some points for the pick up, he didn't actually get out of the car and ring my doorbell (not that my front doorbell works...but that's not the point). I got in the car, and Ozzie very excitedly asked how my day was (almost too excitedly) and proceeded to tell me that he had a gift for me.

A gift? I'm having toothbrush flashbacks. He reaches behind the seat and gives me something in a black plastic bag. What the crap? This was much bigger than a toothbrush, and clearly much larger, upping the potential for weirdness.

I hesitantly opened the bag and saw a four pack of beer. Beer? On a first date? Do I look like one of your buddies with which you would watch a game? Let me say this again, FLOWERS!! You bring a girl FLOWERS on a first date! Not necessarily roses or anything major. Maybe a tulip might be nice (I like the ones that are multi-colored, if you're wondering). In his defense, it was good beer (Beemish Stout). However, do you really think it's a good idea to give a woman beer on a first date? Is he a creepy weirdo who's just trying to get me wasted to take advantage of me? (Not gonna work with 4 beers, buddy!)

**Sigh** I just don't get it!

*yeah, the names have been changed...Ozzie just seemed fun today.

Hungry Frog

I was heading out for a drink with Ross*, when he decided he was hungry. He asked me if I wanted to stop for a sandwich. Ah Sandwiches. You all know how much I love them. I, of course, said sure.

We stopped, and he ordered a sandwich...but didn't even ask if I wanted one too! This was a second date...and he felt that he could get a sandwich and eat it in front of me!! What the hell?! Yep, he ordered a sandwich, sat down and ate it in front of me.

Shouldn't he at least offered? You take a girl out on a date, you offer to get her a sandwich. Am I so out of it that this is no longer a practice?

*Why I keep changing the names, I'll never know.

Urping Froggies

I was having drinks with Eric* when all of a sudden he got up and excused himself from the bar. It was kind of weird, but ya know...sometimes things happen. He came back and said he wasn't feeling very well. I told him that if he needed to go, that was ok. But he sat back down and continued to talk.

Not even a beer had gone by, and he got up again. He came back saying that he thought he had the stomach flu (EW!) and that he needed to go. It better be the stomach flu, because the thought that I make men vomit doesn't make me happy.

We left the bar and he put out his arms for a hug. Now, generally, I'm a hugger. However, I just met this guy and clearly he was ill. I do understand that when you're not feeling well, a hug is nice. So I compromised. I did the "pat, no body contact" kinda hug.

And then it happened. He leaned in for a kiss. UGH!! Seriously!! YOU WERE THROWING UP!! NO KISSY-KISSY!! That's just nasty! And then, he acted all offended when I didn't want to kiss him. HELLO!!! I don't want your puke-tastic germs! What is this guy thinking?

**blah, blah, blah--yeah I changed the name!

Fashionista Froggies

After work today, I headed to Piper's Alley to pick up a race packet for the Soldier Field 10 Mile. As I was getting the bibs, this guy starts talking to me. We followed along through the packet pick up and I made friendly conversation, not thinking anything of it.

While I was there, I needed pick up some Body Glide (those bastards who stole my stuff also stole my body glide...so weird, I know!) And that guy follows and continuing to talk to me. After I paid, he asked if I wanted to get a cup of coffee (Starbucks is on the corner). I thought, why not--who doesn't like impromptu coffee with a reasonably attractive guy who likes to run?

We got our coffee and as we were chatting, he suddenly stops and said to me "You know, you're really cute..." Now what girl doesn't like to hear that? I really think more people should tell me how cute I am. However, he didn't just stop there (as he probably should have), continuing with "But you'd be a total knock out if you'd just put on some make-up. And a dress, or something tighter and low cut..."

What the hell?! How did this digress so quickly? I wasn't even half way done with my coffee. I was so shocked as I sat there listening to him critique my lack of style (in his opinion). At this point I wasn't sure if he was hitting on me or a gay man looking for a project. Granted, I'm no mascara-happy-make-up-queen, but I'm better than a stick in the eye. Furthermore, I went to Fleet Feet from work. Can anyone explain to me how it would be appropriate for me to wear make up like a drag queen and slutty clothes to a school?! (In saying that, I'm making no judgements on any of our parents.)

Once I gained my composure, I stopped him and said "Um, I gotta go feed my meter! Would you excuse me? I'll be right back!"

Dear Readers, I have a confession to make: I found a spot on LaSalle with out a meter. I just left and didn't come back (I kinda wonder how long he sat there). Oh, and I also took the quarters he offered me... Oops! But in my defense, I had to listen to that crap and I paid for my own coffee.

Monkeys and Frogs

The things I find while procrastinating...
This one's about as catchy as the "Llama Song"...

And while this is entertaining, I think most of my Frog Chronicles could beat this next one. (Who wants to help me make a video? We could road trip to the Hinsdale Oasis!)

Caffinated Froggy

I was freezing this morning after my run on the Lakefront Path (unless you're living under a rock, you know there's been crazy snow in Chicago!) I was heading down Montrose and as I was shivering I saw a Starbucks and I thought "Ooo! Coffee!!" (So profound, I know.)

I got in line and was bouncing a little because I was quite chilled. This guy in line turns to me and asked if I was ok. I responded by saying "I'm cold, and just need something to warm up."

He replies with a leer and says, "How about a hot beef injection?"

I can't imagine the look on my face...what the hell?! Clearly, my brain was also frozen, because in hindsight, I can come up with at least half a dozen biting responses. All I could do was just walk out...sans coffee.

What is he thinking?! Does he really think that I'm gonna say "Ya know, that sounds amazing! Yeah, let's do it!"? Or that I would find his obscene comment funny or charming? Who even says that or feels the need to make such a comment like that in a Starbucks at 10:30 in the morning?!

UGH!

'Tis the Season for Giving Froggies

I was out and about a few places this weekend and at one of them I met Jack's chickie along with his cousin. Both seem like lovely people. At the bar we were at, the two went out to have a cigarette, and since I don't like neither second hand smoke, nor cold I choose to stay inside.

Upon their return from a smoke, they are literally dragging this guy to the table to introduce me. I hate to sound ungrateful, but I do have certain criteria on men aside from "Does he have a penis?" (Thanks, Renee). I really do appreciate the effort (good try ladies!), but I had to avoid this little "gift". I would also like to thank Jack for going big brother on him.

So, in the spirit of the up coming holidays, I've created a list, and checked it twice of just what I'm looking for--if you find one of these, feel free to put a bow on him for me:

1. There is a height requirement. To quote Barb in the sign she put on my door junior year of college, placed at the 6 foot mark: "You must be this tall to ride the Bethie." (What am I, Great America?) I'm certain it's really shallow, but I'm a tall girl and have height issues. A guy would have to be gorgeous and practically perfect in every other way for me to wave this one. To be honest, I don't think I could go much shorter than 5'10" and be comfortable. And yes, I've tried.

2. This next one is no surprise: Packer fans need not apply. If you're not a Bears fan, I can't deal with you. I also prefer Cubs fans (this guy last night had on a Sox hat-ew!), and Hawks fans. Football affiliation is also a deal breaker.

3. Non-smoker (that guy's third strike). First of all, I think it's icky. I'll spare you all the negative health effects like hairy tongues (seriously, it was in this high school health video so it must be true!) and remind people that I have asthma, I can't breathe as it is, let alone with smoke in the air.

4. Ideally, he should be in his late 20's or 30's. I hate to sound old, but I'm just not in to the same scene that I was 7 or 8 years ago.

5. I would also prefer a guy who is at least slightly athletic. Not to mention not prettier or skinnier than I (How could I date someone more high maintenance than me? If he could fit into my jeans, that's not good--I want a real man, with meat on his bones.) I have to admit, I dig the broad shoulder type--I'm just sayin'.

6. Finally, it's important for him to be kind, empathetic and a decent human being. I'd also appreciate it if he was not gropey, creepy, icky gross or on drugs. He should actually be single, be able to have a somewhat intelligent conversation, have a job, a sense of humor, and not be a total commitment-phobe. (See previous Frog Chronicles for further info on what I'm NOT to do.)

I know it's much harder to screen for the criteria in #6, but I feel they're a little more common sense--who isn't looking for those things? Besides, 1-5 are clearly hard enough for me to find.

See? I'm not that picky. :)

Skirt Wearing Froggies

This morning was the Go Vertical Challenge, and the last event in my "Month of Ridiculousness" (ie, Chicago Marathon 10/12, Indianapolis Marathon 10/18, Chicago Lakefront 50/50 Ultramarathon 11/1, and the Sears Tower Climb 11/9).

I wasn't feeling well, so in an effort to cheer myself up, I wore my very cute red polka-dot running skirt for the climb. I got in line to start the climb, and this guy, who was two people in front of me was a creepy looking guy who was also wearing a skirt--I say skirt because I like kilts--and I don't want to degrade the kilt by claiming that he was wearing one! I hope that it was a sport kilt (yes, they make those), but it wasn't a tartan pattern, rather it was just army green. He turns around and says to me (over the guy between us) "Try not to look up when you're climbing, unless you want a happy surprise."

EW!! The guy between us, literally took a step backwards away from this creep. Next, the skirt wearing froggie says "Aren't you curious about what's under my kilt?"

I replied "Um, not even a little."

He leered in my direction and said "Hey, you're wearing a skirt too, looks like we've got a lot in common. Ya, know there are other things that you can climb..."

Fortunately, I saw my friend Peter farther up in the line and was able to catch his attention. I'm not even sorry for running away and cutting about 20 people in line. Thanks Peter!! You're my savior from the creepy skirt wearing froggie!!

Texting Froggies

I had been chatting (email and text) with this guy for about a week. He was a Marine, worked in the fraud department for a bank downtown, ya know seemed normal. We had plans to meet for coffee, something I didn't think was a high pressure situation. I was sitting in Borders with some tea waiting for this guy to show up, when I received the following text:

"i m sorry but their appears to be a lack of spark"

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?! You did not just stand me up with a text!! (Not to mention the incorrect use of 'their'!!) What the hell?! I would think that a Marine would have a little more class than that--or a least be able to suck it up through a cup of coffee! And to top it off, I'm mortified to think that he saw me sitting there and decided that I wasn't cute enough to sit through a cup of coffee. :(

Hand Check!

It's a beautiful time of year when Baseball is playing the World Series. Football is in full swing and there's hockey to be watched. I was at BW3s over the weekend and met this guy who asked if I wanted to meet up to watch the first game of the World Series. Granted I'm not happy about the Phillies v. Rays in the game, but at least with this being the case I won't be glued to the screen and shushing him.

The date started with him being more than 30 minutes late. I was really starting to think that I was being stood up. Then he stated that he had a gift for me, which began the toothbrush flashbacks, fortunately for me it was a Cubs hat. I'm still not certain the thought process behind the gift (since he stated that he was a die hard Sox fan), but I thanked him none the less.

The date progressed ok. We had a few beers (unfortunately he had twice as many as I), made fun of the Rays, chatted...all was going fairly normal until he decided he wanted to get cozy. He suddenly slid my bar stool right next to him and put his arm around me. I hate to be a bitch, but I have a little bit of a personal bubble. Now, not so much that I can't handle close proximity, but I don't feel the need to share a bar stool with someone.

Just as I was able to get some elbow room from octopus arms, he flipped my shirt up and slid his hand up my bare back under my bra strap!!

Really? Is it necessary to do that on a first date?!?! I hate to sound like a prude, but what the crap?!?! Does something about me say that I'm that type of girl!! I was in Buffalo Wild Wings, during the top of the 8th, not a brothel!! I know we were watching baseball, but that doesn't automaticly give you licence to get to second base! BAD TOUCH!!

And then, when clearly I make my discomfort known, how does that give someone a green light to kiss me? WTF?!?! I completely missed those signals!! I'm not a huge PDA kinda person. There are some acceptable levels of PDA that don't make me uncomfortable, but hand up shirt in a restaurant during the World Series? So not ok!!

I tried to gracefully get out and to my car. The 'gentleman' (and I use that word loosely) walked me out to my car and tried to kiss me again! How is it that it's ok to keep going when I'm literally pushing you away!

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Ford for all 260 horses that they put in my engine to get me out of there!! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hit the shower to wash this date off me. I hope I have enough hot water. UGH!

Froggies of the Past

I bumped into a froggie I hadn't seen since High School. We did the usual small talk stuff, when he says to me:

"Ya know, I still can't believe I never asked you out."

Now, this would not have annoyed me so much if a) he didn't just say he was MARRIED and number 2) I didn't remember (very clearly) the fact that senior year he had said:

"I would have asked you out sooner, but I was afraid of what the guys on the football team would think."

I'll just let ya'll have the field day with those comments because I just don't even want to get started.

Disappearing Froggies

Here's some advice for all the Froggies out there: In this day and age, there is absolutely no excuse to stand up your date. There are cell phones, pagers, email and a gazillion other gadgets that may be used to contact another human being. Especially when you confirm said date, 24 hours prior to the date. I believe it's much better to make a phone call and lie to me (ie. car trouble, family issues, raging case of herpes...) as to why you're not going to show up, rather than ignoring my existence. Don't be extremely nice to me, make arrangements to meet and then become an amphibian Houdini!

To the Frog that stood me up: You better be trapped under something heavy. Preferably a hot, sweaty, smelly, sumo wrestler who had just eaten copious amounts of Mexican food.

Frog Poaching

Ah, the set up. In my experience these never go well. However, the hopeless romantic in me seems to say yes, because "You never know!"

I was set up for a lunch date. As we were chatting, Greg* asks me if I'm a vegetarian, saying that Katie** was one. Now, this was a set up, but Katie was not the person who set us up. In fact, I don't think I know a Katie. Hmm...glancing down at what I now notice as a ring on his left hand I ask "Are you married?"

To which he responded, "Yeah, do you have a problem with that?"

Do I have a problem?!?! As a woman of good moral character, I absolutely cannot date a man who is involved with another woman. I wouldn't want to be that woman. Heck, I've been that woman and it sucks! Therefore I would never want to do that to someone else. If you're an unhappy froggie, grow a pair and break up with her and move on. I know it might be tough, but in the long run it's a benefit for everyone. But I digress, I am NOT A MAN POACHER!! Furthermore, knowing that the man I was with was that easily distracted from the original woman would just make me insecure about his feelings for me. I guess it's that whole, "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing.

My response was to ask the waitress for a take out box, dumped my sandwich into it (hey, I was hungry!!) and walked out.

*Why I feel the need to protect the frogs, I'll never know--but that's not his real name.
**Also not her real name.

Froggy Gifts

Ah, my dating life...definitely fraught with peril. This one really threw me for a loop.

Rick** and I had chatted a few times and decided to meet for a movie. At the theater, Rick says, "I have a gift for you."

A gift? Odd for this early, but slightly flattering. What could it be? Now, I would think that a flower would be typical, or at least traditional. Nope, that, of course, would be too easy.

Rick hands me a toothbrush.

WTF?!?! No, he's not a dentist, or have any occupation involving the mouth. I don't think I have bad breath. I brush regularly, and when in doubt, I have candy and gum. This is bizarre, right? (Please tell me it's not just me!)

**As always, the names have been changed to protect the freaks.

Froggy Lines

I'm sick to death of vulgar pick up lines. (Although, I think Lynn's takes the cake...let's see if she'll post it!) So, I've compiled a list of the most recent. And of course, the bitter, jaded, sarcastic internal monologue is in parentheses next to it for your reading pleasure. Go ahead, laugh at my misfortune ('cuz true stuff is funny).

Things you should not say to a woman you want to date:

• So, just how many beers is it going to take?" (There isn't enough beer in Germany, buddy.)
• "I want to come on your tits." (Um, no thank you--yeah, I wasn't even prepared for that one.)
• "Who's saying I want a relationship?" (Oh, I'm sorry, I miss understood! You're a man-whore!)
• "Okey dokie, cupcake." (Do I look frosted?!?!)
• "If I were you, I'd do me." (Great, then go fuck yourself.)
• "I just wanna sleep with you." (What? No please?)
• "I'm just not in a relationship-y kind of place." (Then why the hell did you ask me out--oh yeah, you're a man-whore too!)
• "OOO you've got a fat ass!!" (Ooo, you've got a small dick!)
• "I think you need to get laid, and I think I'm just the man to take care of that." (And I think that if you were the last man alive, I'd rob a sperm bank and find a turkey baster thingy.)

So now you can see why "I QUIT!". Seriously. I don't wanna play any more.

Nutty Frogs

I've been sharing this story with others, and just haven't had the time to blog about it...but it's too crazy not to share!

I was talking with this guy...he seemed normal enough (and this is where I was clearly wrong). We were making plans to go out when he asked for a favor.

When I asked what it was, he said "Can you not eat peanut butter the on the day we go out?"

I responded "Oh, are you allergic to peanuts?" (Because that would be logical, right?!)

He replied "No, I just don't like peanut butter."

I laughed because I thought he was kidding. Then he said, "No. I just really hate peanut butter."

Yeah. I decided I liked peanut butter better that that guy. No worries ladies, I'm sure he's still out there!

Old Froggies

All I wanted was a beer and a crab cake. That’s it, nothing more. So, I headed to my local old-man-dive-bar. They’re good for those two things (also tater-tots, but I had those last weekend).

I was watching the Steelers/Jaguars game and enjoying myself when suddenly I’m flanked on either side by two men old enough to be my father. Now, I hate to sound conceited, but what makes a man of that age think that I want to go out with them? All I could think was “EW!! DIRTY OLD MAN!!!”.

Seriously, one even gave me his card. The irony of it all? He’s an exterminator.