Chuck Norris will make it all better...

Today had one of those afternoons where I felt as if I was speaking to my students in Japanese or something. Seriously. It was like trying to herd a bunch of drunk cats. (Even Seamus comes when he's called--it was that bad).

Anywho, Chuck Norris Jokes always makes me feel better. If you had one of those days too, then enjoy! If you don't like Chuck Norris jokes, then don't admit that out loud--Chuck Norris will find you.

• Some piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
• Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
• Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
• Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
• Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
• Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
• Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
• Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
• Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
• Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in the Periodic Table of the Elements. The only element Chuck Norris believes in is the element of surprise.
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. Chuck Norris waits.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
• Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
• If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
• Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
• A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why Chuck Norris will simply stare at you, grimly.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
• Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
• Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
• If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and shits them out transformed into a robot.
• Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
• Chuck Norris does not wear a condom, because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
• When the boogieman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
• Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
• Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

If I've missed your favorite, maybe I'll get it next time (or you can post it in the comments section, if you really need to see it posted. If you're Chuck Norris and I missed your favorite, I'm sorry. Please don't roundhouse kick me in the face.

Barb deals with Trauma

Barb was over the other night, passing through before she flew back home to Salt Lake City. We had a full evening of dinner and trivia and I was getting ready for bed. I had slid my robe on and felt something on by breast...almost as if something was lightly sliding it's way around from the top to the bottom. I opened my robe and a shrieked!!! (I'm certain I screamed like a girl--but I am one...)

The biggest fucking spider I've ever seen, outside of a zoo, was hanging from my breast!!!!

Somehow the spider ended up on the floor...I threw the spidery robe on the ground grabbed my Bears robe to cover up and jumped on my bed screaming. Thank God Barb deals with trauma!!! She came in to the room and squished the damn thing. It was so gross. It seriously was the size of a half dollar. ICK!!! I was so skived out, I immediately took a shower.

Barb---you truly are my hero.

I have no idea what I'm going to do now that she's a time zone away (It makes me itchy just typing this post!). I need to start taking applicants for the position of "Spider Squisher".

A Race & The Battle of the Titans

I had a wonderfully busy Sunday! While I was not a participant in the mess that was the Chicago Marathon, I did run a leg in the Lakefront Marathon in Milwaukee...we had an all chick team called Hell in Heels. I made our very awesome team shirts! Here are the girls...


The first leg was run by Michelle, I ran the second followed by Nichole and Barb was our anchor. Aside from Michelle, who apparently loves the heat and humidity, we did't run very well. Our time was 4:16 with a 9:47 split. It really was brutally ugly to run. I really wasn't feeling well, and it turned out nether was anyone else. Then sadly, when we walked back to the car, we found this...
Someone actually broke into Michelles truck and stole Nichole's purse! How awful!! And the car was parked infront of a major street! UGH!! Some people just suck. And furthermore, the Milwaukee system for filing a report was awful. I was on hold with 911 for 20 minutes. What if that was a life threatening emergency?!?! And the guy on the phone was useless. How can you outsource an emegency system?

Anywho, after a much needed shower and a quick bite to eat, Barb and I continued the road trip up to Green Bay, Wisconsin. Behold, the frozen tundra (that was actually quite the opposite of frozen).

So much excitement!! Look! Barb and I found Beer!!!

For the record they have ENORMOUS brats that are longer than the bun and ever so yummy. Better than that was fried cheese curds which were little golden pieces of crack. AMAZING. I have to say, Packers know how to eat! It even beats the garlic cheese fries that are in Cleveland.

Here are my boys warming up!! GO BEARS!!

Did you see us on TV? Our sign rocks!! (Yes, that is glitter that you see) Even the Packer fans loved it!
Look! I made friends with the 5 other Bears fans in our section. (We've got to stick together you know). The other two Bears fans were being assholes...I didn't want to play with them.
The first half was dominated by the Pack, but as you know there are two halfs, and the Bears were hungry and took advantage of Green Bay's mistakes...but you saw the game. I was freaking out at the two minute warning when Farve was marching down the field (everyone knows how dangerous that can be!). However, thanks to some double coverage, Farve didn't make it and Behold: The most beautiful scoreboard ever!!

Check it out!! BEARS BEAT GREEN BAY IN LAMBEAU FIELD!!!! (Almost brings a tear to a Bears fan's eye) It was almost too much happiness for one little Bears fan to take (I said almost).

Hell in Heels

I’ve been working on a logo for the marathon relay team that I’m running in on October 7th. I had something else in mind when I started, but I just couldn’t find a media to make it work on the shirts. Finally, I gave up and scrapped the original concept when I found maroon long sleeve tech shirts for $6.53 each. I couldn’t pass it up!

Here’s the finished product for team “Hell in Heels”:

The top design is on the front of the shirts and the names (bottom half of the screen) are on the back. I hate to toot my own horn, but I think they look bad ass! Ladies who have to wear it…I hope you like ‘em, see you next weekend!

It's a good day to be me!

I have Bears/Packers tickets...

they're at the 20 yard line...

For the October 7th match-up.

(wait for it, wait...)

That's right, the real fans know that's an away game!--I will be heading North, past the cheddar curtain to the frozen tundra that is LAMBEAU FIELD!! (And I didn't even have to sell my soul to the devil--these tickets are impossible to get)

Barb and I are running the Milwaukee Marathon as a Relay, and then we'll head up to Green Bay for the game. I'm thinking a sign needs to be made for the occasion.

If the Bears blow it, it's going to be one long-ass drive back to Chicago.

A PSA

Here's a tip:

If you do not want to get cussed out, DO NOT CALL ME DURING THE BEARS GAME.

I'm not kidding. This is not a drill. My own mother knows better than to call me when the Bears are playing. Good, bad or ugly--there is no guarantee that you will not verbally get your asshole ripped off and shoved so far up your nose you won't know whether to sneeze or fart. This is true for everyone. NO ONE IS EXEMPT (including Barb--but in her defense she does take the copious amounts of swearing like a champ). I do not want to chat. I do not want to discuss stats. I WANT TO WATCH THE GAME.

For those of you who haven't a clue, the Bears generally play on Sundays. In fact, there is an active link on the side of this web page to chicagobears.com. It works, use it. Check the schedule before you get called a "scrotum scratching ass-goblin" (or worse). I also would not recommend that you try half time or commercial breaks/time outs, it's all the same to me.

Thank you, and have a good day.

(and yes I know they looked like open infected ass tonight) GO BEARS.

Ribbit Ribbit

So, I haven’t posted in a while, so I feel the need to oblige you with another episode of the Frog Chronicles.

I met this guy, we’ll call him John*, out at a bar, (I know, stop meeting men at bars! I get it!!). Anywho, we had some good conversation, and I gave him my number. It was a standard meeting…nothing out of the ordinary. John called later and asked me out for a date. He really didn’t say much about where we’d be going. He picked me up and things seemed to going ok on the ride.

Until John pulled up to a church.

Now, I don’t want to come across as anti-God or anti-religion or anything like that…BUT WHO TAKES SOMEONE TO A CHURCH ON A FIRST DATE?!?!! It wasn’t even for something like bingo, or volunteering or anything like that, it was for an actual service! And if that wasn’t weird enough, he introduced me to HIS MOTHER!!

There are so many things wrong with this situation that I don’t think I’ll even get them all! Sure, parents have always liked me, but I don’t want to meet them in a church on the very first date!! Further more, communion does not count as dinner and drinks. There was no warning either--I have never literally prayed so hard for a date to be over!

*As usual the names have been changed.